WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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