I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
