You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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