i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
