Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
