remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
