hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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