Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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