the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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