This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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