The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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