it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
