hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
