Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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