It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
