Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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