This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
