nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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