here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
