Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
