remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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