I never want to see another naked old woman again.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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