Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
