Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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