when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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