In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
