I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
