i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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