Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
