mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
