We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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