So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
