i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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