the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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