im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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