Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
