I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
