I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
