Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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