if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
