My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
