1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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