what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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