i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
