how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
