Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
