The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
