I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I had to cum in my sink.
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