My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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