I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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