I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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