I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
