"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
