Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
